Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Advice: This wedding sucks. I'm matching all the groomsmen. How can I stand out?

With April just around the corner, we're quickly approaching wedding season.  It's a great time for everyone: the bride and groom enter the happiest 18 months of their lives, lots of acquaintances get very drunk on the bride's daddy's dime, and two total strangers inevitably get their jollies in the coatroom.  Sadly, the marrying couple forces their closest friends/siblings to join the "wedding party," and they usually assign this group uniforms.  Learn how to handle this potentially awful situation, after the jump.
You can dance if you want to.
You may be a single guy or gal on the prowl, you may be married and bored, or you may be 38 and cry because your biological clock is ticking, but chances are, once you've reached a certain age, you are up to your neck in friends getting married.  Provided you have not alienated every friend you ever made, you will probably be asked at some point to be the best man/maid of honor, or at least to play second fiddle.  Sorry, but it's basically protocol in this situation for each gender in the wedding party to wear matching outfits.  Apparently brides pick out atrocious puke green potato sacks to make their pals look super ugly, and grooms just get confused and make their friends all wear the same stuff too.  This crushes your originality and could kill your game, but don't fear.  I got you.

Completely flout the rules.  Your bro picked out blue suits with eggshell shirts and brown ties for his groomsmen.  What a hater!  Sure, that outfit's cool for his brothers and best high school friend, but you were his COLLEGE ROOMMATE.  There's only one reason you're at this wedding and it's not to fit in.  You'll still give the best man toast, but you'll do it wearing a white tux, hot pink vest, and snakeskin cowboy boots.  Warning: you might be kicked out of the wedding for doing this.

Style your hair in an original manner. The chicks will look at the groomsmen's outfits and see a total lack of individuality.  You could prove them wrong by offering stunningly bad halitosis, but that will not help your conversationalism.  So, you need some other physical characteristic that makes you stand out.  More subtle than changing outfits, but still noticeable.  If you do not have diligent weight-lifting habits or a severe nervous tick, the hair is the best option.  Just be careful to avoid styles generally associated with homosexuality: you will make plenty of female friends, but "getting it in" will mean pulling a cute dress down from a high shelf and putting it in her shopping cart.

Get a really obvious fake tan.  Whether you opt for spray or UV, a whole bunch of color can make you glow.  If it is the latter, you may glow with dangerous radiation, kind of like Japan lately.  Whatever the case, a funky orange skin tone can make up for an otherwise boring outfit.  Shout out to Jersey Shore.

Spit some nice game.  Bridesmaids are forced to match too, and will understand your predicament.  Other lady guests will already be feeling "emotional" from the strong presence of "love" at the event.  Basically, chicks completely lose their shit over weddings.  Ordinarily, rolling with three other matching dudes would make you look like an idiot, but this time, it places you at the center of the proceedings.  You are basically a minor celeb.  Tell some good jokes, make some not-so-subtle references to how rich you're going to be after you invent the second coming of the cotton gin, and drop some corny lines about how we only use ten percent of our libidos.  This may be the one time in your life that being a matching dude helps you score.  Best use it wisely.

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