Sunday, March 20, 2011

Advice: I just got to a party and I'm matching a dude. What should I do?

Friendly fans, after a week chock-full of matching dude photographs, it's evident that you still do not understand how to avoid a ride on the matching dude train. Its only destination is shame and public humiliation, and with amateur photographers and amoral bloggers on the prowl, that possibility has become all too real. So, in the interest of saving you a whole lot of embarrassment, here's the next installment of Advice for Matching Dudes, after the jump.

I just got to a party and I'm matching a dude. What should I do?

Maybe you could snag this broad
This is obviously one of the worst situations you can encounter. No matter how many times you read last week's column or how many florescent orange jumpsuits you hand-sewed, maybe an escaped convict showed up at your friend's bar mitzvah. Now, you're in rapid-response mode and the stakes couldn't be higher. Obviously, the cute chick sitting at the end of the bar wouldn't dream of accompanying a matching dude back to his matchpad, so you need to change your strategy. Here's what you can do:

Punch your matching dude in the face. This approach could play out in several ways. Ideally, he will be scared and run out of the party. Now you rule that shirt. Or, you will break his nose and it will bleed profusely. His shirt will now be severely blood-stained, and even if he stays, he won't be matching you. Warning: this action may lead to criminal charges. The last possible result is that your matching dude is bigger than you, and destroys you. Sorry bout it, matching dude.

Leave party, change shirt. The leave-and-change can be a dangerous move, because the coolest moments may pass you by. You could also miss a cop raid, which would be nice. Either way, you'll definitely be able to scope out the outfits and find something nobody else is wearing. Just make sure you don't come back matching a different dude, or you deserve hellfire and damnation.

Bring a spare. You should probably hide an extra shirt, because carrying it around will make you look like a fool. Perhaps wear pants with cargo pockets, or try what this guy did. Just look out for the TSA. They're all matching dudes, and they will relentlessly search for your matching clothing as well. One advantage: carrying a spare shirt may give you an in with girls carrying spare tires, if you're into that sort of thing.

The Puffy Shirt

Trade shirts with a non-matching dude. If the dude in question hasn't noticed that your shirt is being worn by two people at the party, he may trade his shirt for yours. A really cool shirt, like a pirate shirt or one with a funny message, will boost your chances of pulling of the transaction. Don't be self-conscious when removing your shirt in public. Even if you're a bit out of shape, that also will help attract "voluptuous" women. Again, if you're into them. Happy hunting.

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